Hello Again, Another Valley

I find myself three days into another valley, having fallen far from another peak not long ago. Only four days ago, I wrote this as if from another world:

I am closing this writing while listening to incredible music, feeling like I am more alive than ever, that I am embodied and transcendent. It is euphoria.

But what remains for me at the end of this bridge is an all-consuming despair.

I live in extremes, and the only strength I can find in both is to consent to their affliction - to suffer consciously, and to write while light remains.

I once again find myself listening to incredible music, specifically Catholic choir music (Agnus Dei in particular). While I am very skeptical of the church itself and especially of Augustine's theological framework, there exists not another genre of music more alive and transcendent than this.

I'm not sure why I am drawn to it. The vocals are absolutely beautiful, and it feels like even if I were to be a crushed thing in the dirt, which I feel in this valley, I am being touched by grace. Sometimes my body shakes and trembles when I submit to the music. Maybe this brings dignity and meaning to my suffering, a defense mechanism of a spirit that wishes for life.

I do wish for life, even in my most difficult moments. But it is a struggle when I find myself in a valley. I called out of work today, and I slept for 18 hours in total between yesterday and today. I feel crushed, but especially so now that the clock strikes 10:30 PM, a quiet, ghastly reminder of what is to come. I would say that the word dread would be too intense for how I feel, but maybe weary would be the appropriate word: I feel weary from the ghosts of performance and visibility management that graze me.

I already wrote of this, but my job has lost higher meaning to me. I wrote of this in my reflections on software development and AI. To make matters worse, something I am working on is extremely high visibility whose urgency is fiction, driven by the political need to demonstrate value to the business. All great things in my career have been ruined by politics.

I found myself recently directly targeted by a political attack from a coworker of mine. It was unfair, dehumanizing, and it was specifically curated as a neutral observation. Is it sad that I found myself, despite my rage, feeling empathetic because she is simply suffering and needed to externalize her pain?

Regardless, I am unsure of what is to come for me. I lack insight to what is true in this moment, a characteristic of my condition. But I did make the decision when I was more stable that I am to stay in Oregon, buy simple property, and attempt to sew roots in the community. At the very least, rent out bedrooms to cut my living expenses dramatically.

I must admit, though, that while my condition requires stability to manage it, rent-seeking feels extraordinarily cruel. I simply would be exploiting other people's specific financial means to aid my lifestyle; it isn't like I am providing anything of value or productivity into the world. I find myself in a bind of necessity and obligation to own capital in a system that rewards ownership, so at the very least I can be generous with my rents.

We will see how everything shakes out. I am only about five months away from securing property, so I am considering getting a new job just to coast under the low visibility of the onboarding period. I adore my current team, and I would rather them have an engaged and stabilized engineer through backfilling my role than to be with me.

I am just trying my best.