Forever Alien

Counseling school never prepares us for patients like you.

Patients like me?

Am I really that alien?

I'm just responding to your questions.

You test my theory of mind, and you ask me if it bothers me others don't think deeply about things. No: to expect otherwise is morally disgusting. Any difference between me and the other is imaginary, and all are equal in rank.

You ask me how I imagine others to feel about love, and when I clarify what you mean using the word 'about' you say: "I'm not sure."

You ask me if I ever want integration between my body and mind, and I say no.

You ask me if I believe in the inner child, and I say no.

You ask me if what my dad did to me makes me sad, and I say no. That any extended anguish is from my own frame of reference rather than reality.

You ask me if I want to regulate my nervous system, and I say no.

You ask me if I ever felt more blended than I do now, and I ask you what you meant (because I imagined myself inside a blender).

Sometimes, I need to think about what you said for four days.

Four days? That I want to feel alive, that the respect for the other is inherent in humanity, that I like myself?

You ask me if I want to kill myself, and I say no because this body is not mine and thus not mine to trash.

You ask me if I would be horrified to wake up in another body, and I say no.

You ask me if I would be horrified to feel embodied and physically real, and I say no (it's an indifferent).

You've done this job for 20+ years. Am I that alien?

You probably prefer intensity because you were never taught how to sit with big emotions as a young kid.

Then explain why I have been like this my entire life, in my nature, from the start and until now…

You said something the other week that I kept thinking about while watching Pluribus

What am I to you?

Usually by this time in therapy I have a clear sense of what goals we want to achieve. Do you like how it's going so far? Let's think about goals next session.

Is staying alive not enough?

Why do you look at me like that?

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