To A Man Hesitant On Attending College

Dear Matthew,

I deeply adored our conversation a few nights ago, and I doubly adored the honesty you spoke to me regarding your procrastination on attending college. Let me thank you for the trust this shows, for we only recently became friends. To fully enroll and commit to attending college in this fall semester is ultimately your own choice, and, by virtue of being separate humans, I can not argue if you definitively should or should not attend.

But I do understand the gravity of this decision, even if at first glance the low cost of attendance and your open work schedule paints the hesitation as pointless. And I must urge you to hold grace for yourself over this bleeding image, for you will find that your unconscious brain is much more aware and perceptive, like a man with exposed nerves, and is guiding your conscious reality.

To step into the door of attending college is to spend, what seems like, countless hours hearing the quiet and loud voices of unfamiliar people, wandering through the confusing, needlessly complex checkout line of a cafeteria the largest you have seen, talking to some strangers who look at you with a blazing heart and open eyes while others with a troubled and distantly focused heart. And this is only a small aspect of college; indeed you will find yourself questioning if taking the identity as "student" at 23 years old is worth the potential pain, discomfort, and confusion on your spirit in this transition.

I do believe that attending college is an incredible investment towards yourself, even if you were to never secure some expected employment from your Associates degree. While often criticized by people of our age for the requirement to be exposed to the humanities, the foundational sciences, and college algebra, regardless of the Bachelors program, I believe that to develop a broad foundation of the mind is to also develop a broad foundation for the spirit, for there is wonder and joy to be found even in the subjects you despise with your greatest scorn.

Oh, and, yes, broad education into even your most disliked subjects can be its own trouble on the spirit. I have no doubt that, if you decide to take this path, you will find yourself at 11:30 PM, the blue light of your monitor scalding your eyes and snacks and drinks scattered across the desk, rushing to submit your essay before the 11:59 PM deadline. I have no doubt that you will find yourself wondering in your most troubled moments, "What would be so bad if I dropped out?"

And in this I must urge you to look inwards and instead, in this moment, ask yourself, "What do I wish for my own life? What, if forbidden from me to do, would devastate my desire to live?" It is this deep fear from within that suggests to you what you exist to do.

And if you find yourself in honesty saying "I don't know", then know that you are in the most wonderful position to be in. In these moments where it seems like society is screaming at you to pick a final destination, where it seems like what should be a clear map in your hands instead is obscured and stained with black ink, there exists the most beautiful and incredible potential to create your own meaning, if you so desire.

In this, you get to ask yourself if you truly care to work towards a singular destination, if you truly care of having a unified purpose to life, if you truly desire to be anything at all.

If you are in this position, cherish it for you are perhaps the most free beast in this zoo we call society.

I believe that I have written all that I believe to be true, so above all I ask for you to inspect yourself inward with fidelity to truth. What is it that you desire?

Because life is a short experience, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' choice to make in regards to returning to school. To choose to not attend in the fall is not to close a door behind you, it is to instead simply choose to keep walking down the hall and explore all the other wonderful doors waiting for Matthew to step into.

And, perhaps most importantly, allow for your mind to reset and find stillness despite the flashing lights, noisy notifications, and pestering disturbances of our modern world. Listen to it clearly, and feel it doubly so (this is critical, feeling often precedes thought).

Within this human we call Matthew is a gentle, good soul who understands what it wants; to be heard.

And so, with it being 12:17 AM and my on-call rotation starting, I must close this letter by handing you that obscured, stained map and the most gentle nudge to listen to yourself and plot your own path forward. It often feels that this world we live in has taught us to ignore that persistent, guiding voice within our soul. Isn't that in its own way disturbingly incredible?

I end this letter in the name of whatever path you will pick, for I know that whatever choice you make is authentically yours, and that is enough.

From your friend,

M.V