I Miss The Person I Fell In Love With

Marcus, I miss this version of you. The Marcus that I fell in love with. What happened?

These are the words my boyfriend said while he drove us around town at 2 AM, tears sliding down his face. My breath reeked of alcohol, his voice nearly drowned out by the loud, manic music.

In that moment, I was elated. The music reflected what I felt in my heart, the electric high of being alive. I often drank and danced to music, and there was nothing more freeing than driving around with him and letting him share this moment with me.

His words shocked me.

What happened to me? What do you mean? I’m right here. Haven’t I always been?

I am, by all means, a sick person. Some weeks ride a high tide, others sink below. The standard for a good day is a day where I feel "nothing". My judgement is often clouded and grasped by extremes.

This is my lot in life.

Did he fall in love with a snapshot?

Perhaps that is the most cruel thing for those who date people like me. They meet us in our high moments - those moments where we go outside, want to meet people, and have the strength to connect.

But all candles eventually burn empty, and what remains is a walking bag of melancholy, despair, and fog between them and their beloved.

Can you imagine how lonely that feels?

"It's been rough", I told him.

This was a partial truth. Life has been rough, but my life is just a cycle of good and bad.

Truthfully, him asking me where the person he fell in love went pissed me off.

Did he only love one third of me?

The invisible ills of this world are precarious.

Even I didn't that I was sick. So how could he have known who he was loving?

Two truths can coexist: I felt abandoned by his question, and he mistook my struggle as an anomaly.

What happened?