Mercy?

If there exists God, do you think He is capable of loving someone as wretched and wicked as me?

I am an incredibly flawed person, and I reckon that I am difficult to love.

I believe my programming knowledge is greater than it is; I withhold the expression of my true feelings in conflict; I choose isolation over flawed but human love; I struggle to let other people in, although I have yet to meet someone who did understand me when I did; I pursue a few things with fervor and rigor yet abandon the rest, including relationships; I ignore the physical in favor of the metaphysical; I am somewhat lazy when I speak; I feel prideful at times of my work; I still use the word "I".

I am, without a doubt, difficult to love.

Supposedly God loves people despite their flaws.

But why is His love so achingly silent and empty?

Is it not cruel to create this world and then leave them in silence? I feel like an abandoned dog, sitting at the same spot every day waiting for the one who loves me to return.

At midnight, Oregon streets are beautiful. Tall, towering trees stretch into the sky, painting rows of dark blue against the grey mix of clouds and outer space. The world is perfectly still, only the sound of the leaves bristling in the dead night. Stars pepper the sky, ghosts of celestial bodies that could be long gone.

Today I walked through the streets, the moon shining her light, and all I saw in the sky was empty magnificence.

This unbearable inner ache under the sky of a bearable world.

And I cried.

His absence is His love.

All I can do is wait.