Somewhat Tired, Again

There is a certain type of frustration, maybe one that wriggles between your skull and brain, when you realize that you are bound to your emergent consciousness. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can be experienced without it, even death. We experience dying, yes, but when you are truly dead the subject dissolves, so nothing remains to experience that state.

All things in this universe are bound to exist in some necessary state; being is necessary and not being is not a thing. What existed before the Big Bang, scientists theorize, was a vacuum. That vacuum contained the necessary conditions for something to happen, thus "God said let there be light." What we would intuitively describe as nothing gave rise to life. Non-existence is not a thing.

I think the fear of the subject dissolving is terrifying, at least for a while. Why would you want to imagine the only thing you've known, who 'you' are, dissolve? There is immense hope and comfort in knowing that you will not experience death, only dying. There is nothing to fear if you cannot experience it.

Necessity is the second most beautiful word, from the modal possibilities of all things human to the laws of physics and the divine speech of geometry. There is a necessary existence in this world, which even the ancients knew when they talked about the λὸγος. This is the divine ordering of things, the necessary rules of the world. How sad it is that this beautiful word gets flattened in Stoic texts to "reason", and in the prologue of John to "Word." Why do we always flatten the most important meanings for mass appeal? We are capable of conveying the original ideas for the common man, just with more sentences. Sometimes I doubt justice exists in publication.

Another thing necessarily exists under the λὸγος, which is entropy. All things fight against chaos, disorder, dissolution. Yet suns burn out and collapse, loved ones die, and any other thing eventually loses the fight. Hence the heath death of the universe.

The idea of entropy is a beautiful one, and it is very helpful to look through its lens in social and personal contexts as well.

Why do people tend to mass-consume and live idle lives? They don't want to waste energy, the fundamental tool in the doomed fight against entropy. From this lens, it makes little sense to judge people, especially the common man, for avoiding things that take effort. We don't judge the impersonal laws of physics.

If we consider energy from the personal scale, it makes sense why I seem to live in a bit of a disordered state. My brain uses much more energy than most, so the energy that remains for maintaining my environment and the physical world is multiples less than the average man. This is a neutral and impersonal fact. I have found great success in reducing all stimuli and effort needed in the physical realm, like buying multiples of the same shirt, eating the same things, and throwing away anything that my eye could see which was not personally necessary. Agency is a painful thing, but self-awareness relieves some tension.

By all measures, anyone reading this would assume I am in a depressive episode. I don't know if I am, but I would guess likely not. I do not feel God's abandonment even though he is absent; how could I feel abandoned by whatever left geometry in its wake? Maybe a better description would be liminal - not quite depressed, not quite stable, not quite hypomanic.

Maybe a better description would be this: I am simply being.

This fight against entropy feels like a tremendous battle.